This is near where I am.

I think this will be my last post for now until I catch up tonight, if I even do that. We'll see!

An excerpt:

I stare at myself in the mirror, imagining a baby growing inside of me. I step out of my pants, then take of my shirt, and stare at the thin body reflected back to me. I take off my bra and cup my reconstructed breasts, pinch my tattooed nipples, and run my fingers across the scars of either side. I will never nurse this child, I think to myself, and then wonder if my breasts will still get swollen and engorge during the pregnancy. A sadness washes over me as I realize how absurd that question is, and the reality of how lucky I am to even get pregnant after all I put my body through five years ago makes me feel ashamed. I hurriedly put my clothes back on, knowing that Scott will come knocking any minute, wondering why the door is locked, wondering why I’ve been in there for more than a minute, wondering what’s wrong.

Nothing. Nothing’s wrong, I’d tell him.

And then we’d make love and he’d forget he ever wondered.

Just like clockwork, I see the doorknob shake back and forth just as I had reached out to it, the sound startling me. I unlock the door quickly, anxiety filling my throat and belly and shoulders.

“Why was the door locked?” Scott asked, searching for signs of rejection in my face, convinced he’d find them if he only looked hard enough, desperate enough.

“Can’t I lock the damn door?” I snap back, annoyed.

“Yeah, but I’m just wondering why. You never do. Are you okay? Is something wrong?”

I look at his eyes. They are beautiful in their pleading. I feel my resistance falling away, my conviction that I can do as I please melting despite myself.

“Babe, I’m pregnant.”

He looks over my shoulder to the garbage can by the toilet, searching for the pregnancy test as proof. He spots the box, and quickly returns his gaze to me. His shoulders visibly relax, He grabs my hands with his hands and squeezes them.

“Well then, let’s have a baby!” He answers, then turns around and walks off with a bit of a skip to his step.

I smile, and shake my head.

Well then, here’s we go, I think. Here we go.